Global Warming: Methane gas and Jews!

In Diet & Health, Politics, Satire, Sex & Dating by Liliyan HassanLeave a Comment

In this age of global warming, there has been a rise in the level of methane emissions in the atmosphere. And finally, scientists may have figured out the reason for that climb. Cows. A new research published in the journal “Carbon Balance Management” by three scientists ( or the 3 sixes—sign of the beast) declared scientists as having previously underestimated cows and their capability of destroying our earth by 11% less than their true capability. And I will tell you something, ladies: I AM PISSED.

I am pissed because even cows are able to threaten this world more than women are. Even cows and their farts are able to make a statement that is more powerful and dangerous than women have ever been able to make. I mean, cows: cows are looking at women and they are saying, “even my farts can put up a bigger fight than you weak women who have been standing around helping this asshole milk me instead of trying to relate to my struggles!” Has a woman ever been able to look at this world and say, “I can totally destroy this earth if you do not reconsider and improve the way you are treating me”? I am afraid not. As women have been taught to be ashamed of farting in public in order not to cause global warming and become a threat against men, cows are making that statement today as they are moo mooing around and feeding on the grass in order to eat and say what is on their minds all at once. They have four stomaches: one is for food, one is for talking, one is for thinking, and one is for planning a nuclear attack on the universe—The cows are always chewing on something.

It is a well known fact that cows have been enemies of the Jewish people, however, who have made sure to put it as part of their religious commandments for a woman to not stand before any beast as to lay with it. In that, the Jewish people have forbidden women from standing before a cow as it is getting milked where she may find herself to be on the same grounds as that cow and think, “that looks like it hurts! Stop milking it! I would not like that if someone was to do it onto me!” To the Jewish people, that would be a forbidden thing since the woman would technically be sexually involved with the cow. Not only that, but the feud between cows and Jewish people have been fueled by their promise to continue the burnt offerings where they will be taking an unblemished calf and sacrificing it to their lord. Do you think that cows would be happy with that? The cows are NOT happy with that… they really are not! Not even one bit…

As Jewish people are looking forward to the day where they get to the promise land of milk and honey, the cows are taking a detour as they are going off script. Cows want to end this world and not hand it over to Jewish people as they cleverly have figured that the promise land is not promising them a better life where they will not be milked any more. While the Torah explicitly states the land of “milk” as being part of its final destination in order to make sure that the women who make it to the promise land are women who have not committed any acts of bestiality, the cows are explicitly making the statement that says, “I would rather kill all of you than to accept such promise made on my behalf to the people in this world”. Yet, what these cows don’t realize is that Jewish people do not negotiate with terrorists.

Whether the methane these cows are releasing is kosher or not, we can at least say that when it comes to the Israeli Palestinian situation, cows are siding with the Palestinians as they are strapping up getting ready to blow everyone using methane gas. And when it comes to cows and Jewish people, the message is clear: If the Jewish people want to reach their promise land, there will be no milking of the cows… AND if Israel wants to insists on its “land of milk and honey”, then Israel does not have the right to exist. I mean the bees are committing suicide and the cows are planning a nuclear attack using farts. How much more do these Jews need to understand that the “land of milk and honey” is not something these animals are willing to accept upon themselves?!

Our New Guest Writer: Six

Needless to say, as an Arab woman, I am pleased to introduce you to my first guest writer: Six the Anti-Semitic Cow who is leading the opposition efforts against Jewish people. Six does not speak much English….but he is fluent in antisemitism. I cannot tell you enough about how amazing Six is in understanding the dangers that Jewish people pose to our world today. Yet, if you were to ask him what his name is, it will take him 10 to 15 minutes to figure out how to say it. I guess he is a natural when it comes to antisemitism. FYI: He is half black and half white so he is allowed to express his feelings.

About the Author

Liliyan Hassan

Founder: Go for Women

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