Hobby Lobby and the Parable of the Thief

In Diet & Health, Featured, Satire by Liliyan HassanLeave a Comment

Hobby Lobby Stores has agreed to pay a $3 million federal fine and forfeit thousands of ancient Iraqi  religious artifacts smuggled from the Middle East that the government alleges were intentionally mislabeled for import. I have smuggled this sentence from Fortune.com where you can read the rest of that story . Now we all know Hobby Lobby: Not only is Hobby Lobby a crafts store; but they seem to be as crafty as the snake that convinced Eve to go ahead and eat from the Tree of Knowledge even if it was to kill her. As you all remember, and how can we ever forget, Hobby Lobby has won a Supreme Court case that allowed them to not pay for certain forms of birth control for their employees because if the snake wanted Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, it would be a waste for her to not complete the snake’s mission of getting pregnant. Yes, Eve: if you made the mistake of listening to the snake once, you have no choice but to do as it says for the rest of your existence.

Due to the snake and how crafty it is, Eve worked tirelessly and diligently to convince Adam to eat from that forsaken tree by simply stretching her arm out towards him as her hand held the fruit–a move that made Adam lose all sense of self-control unable to resist Eve’s persuasive skills of stretching her arm out and offering Adam something. And make no mistakes people, Adam did NOT take that fruit in order to gain the upper hand that comes from having Eve offer him the fruit instead of him offering the fruit to Eve. I mean, for Eve, the reasons why she ate from that tree did not include blaming Adam and making him feel responsible for initiating the offer of eating from the tree. Yet, for Adam, it is senseless to think that the reasons why he ate from the fruit includes the chance to forever-and-for-always blame Eve and make her feel responsible for initiating that “unforgivable situation”. Due to Eve and her sin, women have been devalued since the beginning of human existence. And just as Eve MADE Adam eat from the tree, now Adam and all men have the right to feel like they are the ones who MAKE women: Without a man, women are worthless; thanks to Eve and the snake.

Let us move to ancient artifacts. An artifact is defined in the dictionary as: an object that was made by a man, typically an item of cultural or historical interest. Women are also an artifact: an object who’s life is made by a man (gets its value from a man) of a cultural and historical sexual interest. Women are an ancient artifact biblically known for being the art-medium that god wanted Abraham to use in order that god makes-good on his promise towards Abraham to spread his seed as far as the eye can see without ever consulting with a woman to make sure that she is okay with what he has promised to Abraham. I mean, it is easy for god to promise men something if women were the ones to pay for that promise. No worries, god: promise away. (I would put an exclamation point at the end of the previous sentence, but a period is more in line with what god wants me to put at the end of that sentence). The journey of “promise fulfillment” is never an easy one, however: As you can imagine, Abraham had a difficult task ahead of him…a task that would force him to make a hobby out of spreading his seed for the sake of the lord.

And this is where religion, lobbying, hobbies, women and crafts intersect for many people around the world and for companies such as Hobby Lobby: and it all intersects with WAR. Whether it is war-on-women or war-on-terrorism or war-on-western-values: Religion has paved the way for making a hobby out of the craft of killing people using “the oppressed condition of women”—where one can either lobby the cause of that war by the approval of their oppressed condition or by rejecting their oppressed condition. And here, Hobby lobby is playing the double-sided lobby coin to the fullest extent of that hobby by first approving of the oppressed condition of women here in the U.S.A which is shown by its Supreme Court win; and second by trying to reap from a war that has gained legitimacy due to the USA’s rejection of the oppressed condition of women in Iraq. But make no mistakes that the war in Iraq gives even more legitimacy to the war-against-women since it eliminates the most radical forms under which religions are practiced and gives these religions a more freedom-based definition under which some companies can deny women access to certain forms of birth control. Let us not mistake this freedom-based definition of religion with the freedom-to-steal definition of religion, however: because the two can be pretty close if one is not careful enough since both try to be free in taking position of a property that belongs to someone else (the property here being “women” and “stuff”). Again, the Supreme Court has okayed Hobby Lobby to practice its freedom-based definition of religion when it comes to the beliefs it holds in relation to women.  This freedom-based religion is something that women can only gain through the imposition of others against them. Yet, the Supreme Court did not accept Hobby Lobby’s attempt to practice its freedom-to-steal based definition of religion when it comes to the beliefs it holds in relation to ancient artifacts and who they belong to. And here is where unfairness comes in, ladies and gentlemen: Unfairness is like a man whose house accidently got caught on fire…after the flames died out, he looked at the foundation and discovered that there was gold buried underneath it except that he was not allowed to keep the gold because his house got caught on fire.  When women are treated as an object and when objects are more protected than a woman, can a woman at least receive the protect that is given to an object? “Of course not, because women are not an object even if they are treated as one”—is the answer given because all of the sudden, when it comes to women gaining anything, common sense is not on her side!! Remember: Common sense is not on the side of a woman as if she is the illogical one!

So of course, dear Hobby Lobby: Do you want to take over a function that belongs to a woman using religion? Be our guests! But, do you want to take over a few artifacts that belong to the Iraqi people using religion? Do not even dare! Because when it comes to women, we can all question whether her ability to get pregnant or not is something that belongs to her or if it is something that belongs to everyone else but her. And when it comes to ancient tiles coming from Iraq, there is no doubt that these things belong to the people of Iraq. That is the great thing about being an object, after all, we always would know who it belongs to. And in this case, objectifying women becomes a great blessing that will always allow us to know that a woman belongs to a man.

I would like to take a minute because we have some Breaking News for you: Although an “object” is usually something that can be taken for a “property”, this is not the case when it comes to people. You see: Men’s body has the property of producing semen—they are neither an object nor a thing. And women’s body has the property of getting pregnant—they are neither an object nor a thing. Yet, men want to make an object out of a woman’s property even though, in relation to a person, a property is merely one function that a person has the right to use. Men do not have the right to use a woman’s function more than a woman has the right to use her own function. But due to the fact that common sense is not on the side of a woman: if property means an object, then objectify away!

Back to the story we were bringing to you earlier: Although Hobby Lobby was accused and convicted of smuggling ancient artifacts into the US from Iraq, they did not smuggle nor loot anything at all. Hobby Lobby was merely extending its Supreme Court victory from the ancient artifact—called “a woman”—into the ancient artifacts of the bible. For Hobby Lobby, winning the war against women has given god another chance of fulfilling his promise to Abraham and his seeds—no birth control means more babies. And the war in Iraq would be similar to the war against women if Hobby Lobby can get its hands on some ancient biblical artifacts to commemorate its religious Supreme Court win. Because when it comes to the war on women, the violation of religious ethics is a must. I mean, ISIS is violating religious ethics and they are certainly fighting a war against women. And Hobby Lobby, although far less harmful and far less radical than ISIS, must also violate religious ethics if it too wants to fight a war against women in the name of a religion. They said it: Use religion to harm women, shame on women, right?! But I will tell you something: If you want to shame women using your religion, then shame your own religion as you please!

To loot or not to loot?—That is besides the point as it takes us into the question mark zone. A question mark that should leave us wondering whether Christianity is something worth stealing or not. And to Hobby Lobby, unlike the no-good sinners, Christianity is not only a gem–but it is definitely something worth stealing. That is the point that Hobby Lobby has been trying to make ever since it took its religious position to the Supreme Court: Christianity is so great that all women should be subjected to live by it—In fact, Christianity is so great that it would be a sin not to steal it. The kingdom of heaven, after all, is like a rich man who was going on a journey.. he loaded his donkey with all sorts of Jewels and pearls…. on his way there a group of poor men beat him up, took his Jewels and pearls, and left him on the side of the road. That is how the kingdom of heaven is like: It is soooo worth it!

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Liliyan Hassan

Founder: Go for Women

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