ig Nobel Peace Prize

In Diet & Health, News, Satire by Liliyan HassanLeave a Comment

The Scientific Humor Magazine held its Ig Nobel Prize award ceremony yesterday. The ig Nobel Peace prize is a humorous version of the Nobel Peace Prize and it honors achievements “that make people LAUGH, and then THINK”. This year, the prize winners included Lindie Liang, “a Wilfrid Laurier University professor of business [who] found that abusing a virtual voodoo doll instead of your boss will make you feel better without getting you fired or thrown in jail”. This is equivalent to smiling instead of frowning given that the ONLY difference between the two is merely the direction of where the curve is heading—So if your boss is an ass, a doll is where you want to take your anger out on but you need to grab a few pins lest your mind confuses you  to be the one who is the problem since no one should be angry at a doll. OR you can smile and burn inside and move on with your life. OR jail is not bad if you are really that pissed. But if you want to download a virtual voodoo doll, do not do it on the office computer (I sound like I need to go with the flow in relation to proper office conduct and lingo, “oh my… just do not download it on the office computer” because small talk is always encouraging a bravery of a display). As for Liang and her claim that abusing a virtual voodoo doll is going to take criminals where, “their injustice perceptions are deactivated”, I say that I have an organization to run and business cannot be shut as if this is a joke. I need people to abuse each other because I did not waste all my time for a doll to provide a better solution. Hence, my conclusion on the voodoo doll theory: Your brain was two pins away from blaming you for all the injustices in the universe and, in being angry at a doll, it was convinced that you need to be grateful that people are not attacking you with rocks.

Other winners for the ig Nobel Peace Prize  included:

  • “Cannibalism calories. James Cole, a lecturer in archaeology at Britain’s University of Brighton, earned his Ig Nobel for a study on cannibalism that found that if you want a high-calorie meal, human flesh probably isn’t the way to go. “We’re not super nutritious” compared to other animals, says Cole, who used a formula to determine body part calorie counts based on weight and chemical composition.”

Well, in relation to cannibalism—I did a lot of thinking in its regards as well— I came to the conclusion that if a group of people were to be stuck in the middle of nowhere and they are starving, first they need to call the Palestinian people as they would have found them a new unoccupied land… and second, none of the people in the group should ever resort to just killing one individual within the group… Instead, each person should chop off one of their arms and eat it because, individually, each person cannot be replaced and there is only one of you… but you have two arms… chop and eat one if you are that hungry.

  • “Kidney stone rollercoaster. After one of Dr. David Wartinger’s patients at the Michigan State University’s College of Osteopathic Medicine returned from a trip to Walt Disney World minus some of his kidney stones, Wartinger discovered that the Big Thunder Mountain ride, unlike Space Mountain and others, was an effective way of removing some kidney stones because of the way it rattles the rider, the BBC reports.”

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone is something that would require BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN in order for Harry to finally remove the curse. I am going to go on a wild guess here and say that a person who experiences such horrible condition, needs to do a few jumping jacks a day or needs to do daily exercise that does not just focus on moving around but more in relation to moving the entire body as to shake it up (such as jogging instead of walking)… it appears to me that people who do move around a lot (lose water that way) are more prone to kidney stones than those who jog or those who do a bit of exercise involving  jumping around for a few minutes a day given that a roller coaster ride seems to get the job of helping one pass a kidney stone….it just appears that if one loses fluids in moving around without “force”, one would have things settle in such fashion as to create a stone. Yet, if one is applying force to the movement as to stir things up, it would break any stone formulation. In that and  per the recommendations of me (and I am NOT a doctor at all), I would say that 5 minutes of jumping jacks a day would prevent the issue from happening.

  • “Self-colonoscopy. Dr. Akira Horiuchi, a pediatrician at Showa Inan General Hospital in Komagane, Japan, won for his self-colonoscopy study in which he used a colonoscope designed for children and sat upright rather than lying in the traditional supine position. Horiuchi isn’t recommending that you give yourself a colonoscopy in the comfort of your home. He said via email that many people are afraid of getting a colonoscopy, and he just wanted to show how easy it can be.”

The fear of a colonoscopy is less if it is difficult to do than if it is simple and easy. “Here, this will go right in without you feeling a thing” is not a thing without shame or homosexual accusations. Right? Maybe not…

Needless to say: I need to get the Ig Nobel prize and for it I shall use humor to make trees grow larger fruits through the use of language and religion and seriousness that shall change the energy around a tree as to not allow the tree to know whether I am being a peach or if I need one from it. Melons need a couple of black girls (no pun intended on black and watermelons). And banana needs a couple of white girls. Because trees need to get on board with sexual objectification as to help us bring forth discoveries that will cure AIDs and HIV and other STDs which can only happen if “natural” products got a dose of sexual violations as “taste alone” is not enough of an offering (given that the lord is the one who is offering us fruits instead of the other way around). “Offer us some STD meds with the apple…we do not need clothes!! NO SHAME!!” is how we would react if genesis was to happen a second time around. SO, if we were to combine all these scientific discoveries with my discovery, we would get  Apple Jacks cereal as that which would offer a solution for cannibalism, kidney stones, and provides energy and a way for you to remember doing a few jumping jacks in the morning as to then feel the urge to use the bathroom as to keep you regular enough.

Image and Quotes are courtesy of Newser.com

About the Author

Liliyan Hassan

Founder: Go for Women

Leave a Comment