Monogamy or Many: Psychology of Sexism

In Featured, GENDER, psychology, Sex & Dating by Liliyan HassanLeave a Comment

There is an article in Psychologytoday.com speaking about monogamy and the difference between people who are monogamous and non-monogamous. According to the paper, monogamy has to do with cultural attitudes about sex where purity and loyalty towards the cultural beliefs are of most concern to those who prefer monogamy. As for those who do not believe in monogamy, they do not have any care for cultural beliefs. This, in turn, creates a huge paradox when it comes to men since “not caring” is within the terms of “good conduct” when it come to the role of men towards women within cultural beliefs. Do men who not care for cultural beliefs agree with cultural beliefs or is this a new category of “not care” that is different than the “not care” found in cultures? The article cares not about that paradox however. In addition, the paper speaks about the personality traits of monogamous people as being ones who are more avoidant and more anxious. Yes, if you prefer monogamy because the non-monogamy is something that makes you avoidant or anxious, it is not non-monogamy that is doing that but it is your own crappy personality. Meanwhile, non-monogamous people are the more socially intelligent extroverts who are less anxious. So let us speak about that for a minute, ladies:

Not long ago, women preferred monogamy over open-relationships. Yet, men did not spare women’s feelings that much as they often ended up sleeping with women without ever returning her phone calls or taking her seriously. Hence, women were left feeling “stupid” as men were feeling more confident and more socially “intelligent” than us. As a result, women who felt very harmed by men’s behavior started to be more avoidant than they previously were…up until we started to carry a “screw it” attitude where we ourselves insisted on non-monogamous relationships as being something we desired since that belief made us feel more in control of the situation. Where psychologytoday.com is speaking about cultural values, we need to understand how irrelevant these are (in relation to this situation) since most cultures who are strict in terms of sex are still strict in terms of sex to a point where monogamous relationships within such cultures are not freely chosen thereby we cannot consider them as “monogamous relationships” but they must be considered as forced relationships. In that, purity and loyalty are not the issue in terms of monogamy since the truth is that purity of intent is not a call for purity albeit it does command a sense of loyalty in regards to well intent. For women to demand that men respect them enough not to gain “confidence” at the cost of harming her self esteem is not a cultural demand neither is it a personality thing although to men, some women are just cheap and others are not in terms of personality and how each woman should be measured.

Hence, let us talk about which women are the “keepers” and which ones are the ones men should sleep with and dump. It appears to me that women who are non-monogamous are the ones who have grown sick and tired of being treated as if they are not good enough to be taken “seriously” by men. And many women, in fear of being treated in that way, have chosen to be treated that way as a method of dismissing the importance of “seriousness” when it comes from men. Meaning: who cares if he takes us seriously or not?! Who is he and his seriousness to be anything important to begin with?!–these were the statements women told themselves in relation to being harmed by men without men caring one bit. Women started to push for a “non-serious” treatment from men through us not taking sexual relationships seriously. Maybe that is a sign of emotional intelligence given the problems that men handed women—I guess that is where these things find a link. As for women who are to be taken seriously, let us not forget that the idea of “purity” is also a man made preference that he uses to judge certain women as being “good enough” while dismissing others as being the ones who deserve to be treated badly. Many women, in retaliation to such social “stupidity” have chosen to be “not so pure” on purpose in order to dismiss that judgement as unfair and unimportant. Yet, for the women who still prefer to be “pure” and value “purity”, it seems that such trait has become too rare to invalidate itself showing that it did indeed need women to act in a “non-pure” manner to invalidate it. And for those “purity” loving women, it may appear to them that other women are bringing harm onto themselves (some women think that it is a woman’s fault if a man uses her for sex) ¬†which is the reason why they prefer to be in monogamous relationships. Meaning that they have been taught that it is women who bring harm to themselves and therefore they do not want to do that onto themselves.

Where the article tries to tell women that purity and loyalty are culturally based, it appears that man-culture is playing a two sided coin on this issue to justify their mistreatment towards women. On one hand, purity is so old fashioned as such attitude is needed in order that men may be able to sleep with women without caring about them—in that, women who want to move past the past will feel okay with non-monogamous relationships. Yet, this side of the coin depends on the other side where purity must still be held-up highly in order for men to justify why the mistreatment of women is okay—in that, the feelings that women felt when they were first treated badly due to men’s insistence on non-monogamous relationships are still within the terms of “bad treatment” towards women despite women not seeing it that way anymore due to the first side of that coin. MEANING: Non-monogamous relationships are based on “purity” too. What the article is attempting to do, however, is to hit the delete button in regards to the past as it tries to redefine what it means to be non-monogamous as being something that has nothing to do with how women are perceived or how they were treated by men. Furthermore, that article fails to give women credit for such change where women defied the idea of purity as they paid the cost of doing so and where women defied the idea of being taken seriously where they paid the cost of doing so as well since women were/still are not taken seriously by men. Hence, the idea of monogamy is based on falsehood and so is the idea of non-monogamy. But if monogamy is going to come with a list of judgemental factors to be used against women, then non-monogamy it is!

So let us speak about culture and men and purity since it is rare to connect purity with anyone other than women within society. Which man values purity for himself? Not many. When men value purity, what they value is that the woman they are with is pure. Yet, which woman values purity for herself? Most women. When women value purity, it is something that they gotta uphold themselves for the sake of men. Hence, this article speaks about monogamy being connected to purity within culture. Yet, what this really means is that monogamy is something that women value for men who demand it. And hence, non-monogamy is not in relation to women and what they value but it is in relation to women not wanting their purity to be owned by men since the adherence to the terms of “his purity” is something that is oppressive, controlling, and violating towards women. But, let us forget all about that and focus on personality traits where we label non-monogamous people as more socially intelligent and less anxious and above cultural terms given that this is the formula that works out best for men. And let us forget about all that and focus of purity as being the thing that women are concerned about due to culture where non-monogamy is something that totally removes the concern for purity without mentioning the man that a woman tries to free herself from when it comes to who own that purity and the terms under which she needs to uphold it.

The article mentions something about the Big 5 Model which is a model that gives us the 5 personality aspects that people can have (or something like that). When it comes to sex, I need to mention that women have been denied the right to express their personalities and who they are since truly men are in charge of that area. Hence, what you would be getting is not the personality of the woman but you will be getting her reaction to what he has demanded from her which often includes at least one form of abuse. In that, when it comes to sex, the extrovert woman may be a woman who is trying to make up for the loss in self esteem and she may have found sex to be the place where she can gain it back. And the conscientious woman may be a woman who is living in a fear filled environment that is too restricting of her due to sex. Etc etc. To think that women are free from sexual distortions in terms of personality any where in this world…that would be a huge mistake.

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Liliyan Hassan

Founder: Go for Women

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