Selfish Attraction

In Beauty & Fashion, Diet & Health, psychology, Sex & Dating by Liliyan Hassan1 Comment

There is an article in psychologytoday.com written by  Dr. Gleb Tsipursky entitled, “Why You Don’t Think You Are Beautiful” and it speaks about the reasons why a woman sees other women as attractive while not seeing herself to be just as attractive.  Dr. Gleb gives us two reasons : “loss aversion” and “familiarity”.  I happen to agree with Dr. Tsipursky’s reasons: You can check out the article and read about those if you like.
I would like to give you other reasons for why a woman sees other women as attractive while failing to see herself to be just as attractive. Here are 16 reasons why:

1. Relationship with the Self

If I was in a room by myself, I do not need to look in the mirror to know that I am present. If someone else was to be in the room, I need to see her to know that she is present. Hence, in relation to others, recognition through appearance (or showing up physically) is more important and is more needed. This is why we NEED to (since that is the right thing to do) RECOGNIZE the physical appearance of other women more than our own. Our own appearance is recognized by the default that we exist and we feel ourselves.

2. Perception of Abuse

In relation to appearance, I appear to myself as a mind full of thoughts, history, and experience first. When I look at myself in the mirror, the way I look is secondary to the background story. If I was abused, I would be looking at the mirror as an abused person in relation to herself. I would not be looking at myself as an appearance without minding the abuse since the abuse is on the mind itself. Meanwhile when we look at other women, they appear as looks first where what is on her mind is revealed slowly to others and she may only reveal selected parts and not everything. If that woman was abused in the past, I am not looking at her as an abused woman but as a normal woman without that abuse being attributed to how I see her. Hence, in looking at myself I am similar to a story someone told me and now I am watching a movie version of it (meaning that I know the detail before knowing how I look in the mirror and this is proven to be so by the fact that a baby realizes the self and others before ever seeing his/herself). When looking at others, I am seeing a cover page of a story that I have not yet read –a story in a genre I am interested in (and this is proven to be so by the fact that we see a newborn first and we get to know their personality gradually–and this personality is known coming from appearance wise).

3. Personal definition of “Beautiful”

To think that another woman is beautiful, I am thinking from a mind who knows that there is more than looks to a person. But, a person does not think of herself in terms of beauty in this fashion at all. In our minds, there are “beautiful thoughts” and “beautiful memories” and “beautiful feelings”. Hence, what is beautiful to our minds is one thing in regards to ourselves and it is another (at least when first meeting someone) for other people.

4. Nature of Attraction

It is to be expected, in our world, that a woman sees other women as more attractive than she sees herself. For attraction does not speak about a person’s relationship with herself but it speaks about  what draws other people to the self. Hence, attraction is something that is towards others and not towards yourself. I need to make something clear however: correct view of ourselves in a world where we are NOT abused, will make us feel GLAD and PROUD to be ourselves. This may make us feel that “NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ME”. Hence, in such better world, this “attraction towards others and not yourself” balances the love one has for the self where in seeing attraction as more important for others than ourselves, we will feel that the other woman is just as attractive for herself as we feel about ourselves.

5. Self-Esteem Boost

In the scenario given by Dr. Gleb, the woman says, “I don’t think I am very beautiful” although she tells her friends that they are beautiful. The ability to express to another woman how beautiful you think she is, ALSO takes a certain level of self-esteem since the woman needs to feel that her opinion in regards to appearance is something that will be valued by others. Some women do not compliment other women due to self-esteem issues where they may think that their opinion will be looked down upon and is not important. The reason why we can tell other women that we see them as beautiful is in appreciation to the self-esteem it takes for us to do that.

6. Isolation of Sexism

Women have been abused by sexism and still are affected/abused by it. This sexism has often left women isolated in their homes and unable to make any/many appearances with their friends. The value of “appearance” has increased towards women to highlight the rarity of it and the need of having more of it– Albeit this has become counterproductive at times since women are not able to care about themselves as much under such conditions. Yet, this has been made-up for by other women, who have also experienced the same, by recognizing the beauty and focusing on the positive aspects of other women even if they are harsher towards themselves. Women’s appearance is indeed very important and it should be very important for us to appear—it is more than looks. PLEASE NOTE: Men have further abused the result of their abuse by only complimenting women on their looks whenever they participate and appear in society so that appearance becomes of abusive nature just as isolation is .

7. Loss Of Interest Due to Sexism

A person appears to many people during the day and even to many many more people during her lifetime. Many women around the world are isolated and they appear only to few people during their lifetime. Women start to lose interest in caring about how they look when they are isolated in such manner since “appearance” loses relevance. When appearance is not relevant due to such reasons, other women appear to be more attractive–because appearance (to participate and appear) is more attractive.

8. The Numbers

The significance of appearance is in relation to the significance of the self…and the significance of the appearance of others is in relation to the significance of people… and the significance of the appearance of animals is in relation to health/safety… and the significance of the appearance of objects is in relation to personal taste. Beauty is usually an outward thing…a thing relative to everything else where the self is merely ONE in comparison to these many things and many people. People are significant–even more so due to abuse (it tricks your mind into giving others even more significance). The self is usually less significant due to abuse since the self is not the problem that requires your attention more urgently. Meaning that in relation to addressing the issue of abuse, you are not the one we need to be afraid of or worry from–men are the significant factor to worry from in terms of solving abuse. In seeing the self as less significant and others as more significant, we may see other women as more attractive than us.

9. Socio-Economics

Taking care of one’s self is important. Yet, sexism has created many socioeconomic classes where some women cannot afford to care about themselves properly neither care for the many problems they are facing. Hence, in realizing that she can take care of herself better and in realizing that she is not caring about herself the way she should, other women are seen as more beautiful for caring about themselves better.

10. The “Apparently” in Appearance

Appearance is apparently important. And others are always in relation to this “apparently”:  We may say, “She is apparently talking to someone” as a reason past observation. And we can say, “she is apparently laughing” as a form of evidence—-to say that a person “is nice” is to say that you have met that person and found her to be nice; and to say that a person is “apparently nice” is to comment on the reason why people may like her. Hence, “apparently” is evident in relation to others as it carries what we define as, “evidence”. MEANING: EVIDENCE ITSELF IS THE SAME AS “APPARENTLY”. To say that “Apparently Am talking on the phone!”, is to say that others should have seen that you are talking on the phone right this moment. Hence, appearance is “apparently” towards others; and when we say it about ourselves, it is in terms of what others should have noticed about you (from others towards the self). Therefore, appearance is demanded to be recognized more towards that angle (angle of others).

11. Understanding Towards Self

To appear is to be seen. To be seen is the outside version of  “to be understood” (If you understand an idea, you would say, “I see what you are saying”). To be understood in relation to appearance is to be “able to make out” (when you understand, you can figure things out) and to be undestood in yourself in relation to “being able to make out others” and “seeing others” is what is behind “attraction”. Attraction, hence, has to do with the mind’s understanding of its own self (includeing its own appearance) in relation to the appearance of others. In relation to others, attraction says that attraction from others is important to confirm the understanding of one’s own physical appearance (if you tell me that I look like a certain celebrity, it helps me understand how I appear to others better than if you just tell me that I am pretty). Therefore, in relation to “attraction”, other women appear more attractive than one sees herself to be—confirming the need for positive input from others towards that woman too. In that, the woman expects that same positivity from others towards herself!

 

12. Looks Over Abuse

Women understand, women sympathize, and women feel: We understand that other women have been abused/are still being abused, we sympathize with other women and the burden of abuse they carry, we understand self-esteem in relation to looks, and we truly and genuinely feel that abuse is not valued over looks since if abused is to be valued over looks, then it would look like a blue bruise–
Before I go on, let me explain this “abuse over looks being like a blue bruise” ordeal: if your face is LOOKS and his fist swinging towards you is the ABUSE, then his fist over your face is ABUSE over LOOKS… this “abuse over looks” is similar to a bruise and a bruise is not valued over looks—hence, we genuinely feel that abuse is not valued highly over looks.
Back to what I was saying: Since we genuinely believe that abuse is not valued over looks, this means that we genuinely value looks and that this is the proper way to value looks (we value looks, and that is another reason we do not want a bruise–bruise being valuing abuse over looks). To ourselves there is a lot of emotional abuse which makes it necessary for abuse to influence and to have a value over our own looks. This in itself makes us view ourselves from an “abuse over looks” perspective (since that is a matter of fact of what happened in being abused) which makes us feel less attractive than we truly are. This is proven to be true by the fact that women who are abused may feel like they deserve to get abused. Yet, towards others, we genuinely will feel them to be more attractive than we are due to the emotional aspect of their minds being something that we do not have to consider in measuring their attractiveness. BUT: if a woman is always crying and her mascara is running down her face, then that look is not attractive and this shows that what I am saying is true—when negative emotions of others are considered in how they appear, then the other woman is not seen as attractive as she would be otherwise too.

13. The Eye In Relation To Abuse 

Appearance and looks are made more significant for women due to sexism. Sexism claimed that men are superior to women and sexism isolated women and deprived them from any resources to take care of themselves. Hence, they had to wait around for a husband to take care of them–A husband who is superior to them and is proven to be so (for the women) by the fact that they had to wait for him and by the fact that they were not allowed to take care of themselves without him. This forced women to look at the outside through a “greater than” lens and look at the inside through a “smaller than” lens. Although if you look at the way our eyes work as light enters through a cone, the light makes a “smaller than” sign towards the outside from the self (light enters from a wider ranger and makes a point in our eyes) but sexism made it seem like we are the diffused light and men are the point (in reality that light was the fire of hell and he was the one who lit it up–just kidding). Not only that, but due to sexism and men being superior, women felt more easily replaced by other women–and men acted and treated women as if they are easily replaced by other women. This made a woman see herself as “smaller than” other women and men. AGAIN: from our self, the perspective is that we are greater than others. In our world today, the perspective is that others are greater than us.

 

14. Rape And Safety

Women who are viewed as “ugly” may get raped and no one may believe them due to how they may be seen as “too ugly to be raped”. This “too ugly to be raped” is a falsehood that asserts that “if someone is too ugly to be raped, then all women may be seen as too ugly to be raped”.  For where does this “ugly” start and where does it end so that we can make sure we do not cross it?  Hence, we may feel like we need to make sure we are not too ugly to be believed—and that will take a lot of hard work since even a pimple may be enough to place us in that category if people want us there. So, towards other women, we feel like they are not too ugly to be believed—which is the sad truth in relation to rape asserting itself as a thing to consider in relation to truth. And in recognizing this truth, we can see her attractivness from our point of view as the judge of what her looks mean. But in looking at ourselves in consideration of this falsehood, we can always see one flaw or another that may become the reason why others may see us as “too ugly to be raped”. Hence, in relation to rape and avoiding being seen are liars, we are always too ugly to cater to it because we are above it.  (this is how we apply logic to nonsense). This is of similar reason why we do not want to get stopped by the cops if we are not “hot enough”, by the way.

 

15. Reason Behind Rape

In a world where women are raped, it is right for a woman to see herself to be not as attractive as she truly is and for her to see other women as more attractive. This is due to the fact that YOU ARE NOT THE REASON WHY YOU ARE RAPED if you were to ever be raped. You are not the reason why you are seen as attractive physically. If anything, you are the reason why you see yourself as LESS attractive than you really are. Yet, towards others, seeing other women as more beautiful emphasizes this, “it is others who see you as attractive” point which in turn emphasizes that point to us as well. Our minds seem to feel better in relation to reality and the dangers in it if we feel less attractive than more attractive.

16. Room For Doubt

Good health gives a better appearance. A good mental state is healthy and the person looks at herself correctly in relation to that healthy mind. When a woman is abused, this “correctly” is removed even if the person takes care of herself physically thereafter. This removal of “correctly” is now a “room for doubt” where this “room for doubt” means that one cannot be certain or secure about how she looks…for the mind is in a state that says, “things can be better” and that is the state she is using when she looks at herself. This “can be better” is now exemplified when looking at other women.

About the Author
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Liliyan Hassan

Founder: Go for Women

Comments

  1. Avatar

    Wow that was strange. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my
    comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyways, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

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